10. Triple H (Blade: Trinity)
Sometimes, when presented with the right opportunity, the superstars
of the wrestling world are able to break out of their known personas to
deliver enduring, iconic performances. Other times, they just swap their
tights for a t-shirt and regurgitate words, like a
robot
being paid to spell out plot points while uppercutting inanimate
objects. That’s basically what Triple H did in the final chapter of the
Blade trilogy, as Jarko Grimwood, one of the bad guy vampires who tangled it up with Ryan Reynolds for whatever reason.
Though, to be fair, if you substituted spin kicks for uppercuts,
Wesley Snipes did almost the exact same thing. In fact, Triple H is one
of the least annoying things about
Blade: Trinity, which technically makes his appearance a smashing success.
9. Goldberg (Universal Soldier: The Return)
“Jean-Claude Van Damme vs. Bill Goldberg? Sure, why not?” said some executive in 1999. And voila, a sequel to
Universal Soldier
was born. Goldberg — who you may remember as “that dude who snorted
smoke and tackled everything he brushed up against” — wrestled most of
his career without ever saying a word. With all the intelligence of a
brick, and the vocabulary of a
Pokemon, the acting bar clearly wasn’t set very high.
So no one should’ve been surprised when he showed up in this sequel
as little more than a stack of muscles wearing shades, gritting his
teeth through cheesy one-liners and using every move in his WCW
character’s arsenal, until his ultimately — and comical — demise
two-thirds through the movie.
Sure, his role in
Universal Solider may not have won him an
Oscar, but Tom Hanks never tackled the crap out of an empty elevator,
did he? If you look at it that way, this is leagues above
Cast Away.
8. The Big Show (The Waterboy)
The Big Show was originally marketed in WCW as Andre the Giant’s son,
debuting as simply … The Giant. How creative. Though the two colossal
men actually shared no
DNA,
they did have a few things in common: a propensity for choking the life
out of people, an optimal view of what’s in the back of really tall
cupboards, and the ability to flex some comedic muscles in feature
films. Though it lasts only a couple of minutes, Big Show’s scene in
The Waterboy
as Captain Insano — a professional wrestler and hero to Adam Sandler’s
titular character — ultimately helps set the tone for the rest of the
film. In it, he verbally abuses his fan for being too old to watch
wrestling, not to mention being a lowly waterboy.
By the way, that tone of his? Aggressively mean-spirited. Which is comparable to those old WCW storylines involving the nWo.
7. Hulk Hogan (Rocky 3)
One of the first major films to feature a professional wrestler,
Rocky 3
deserves a lot of credit for allowing Hogan, considered by many to be a
sideshow act, to break into the motion picture industry. The Hulkster’s
character, Thunderlips, wasn’t much of a stretch–a professional
wrestler paid to compete against
Rocky
in a cross-promotional exhibition match — so he didn’t have to show a
lot of acting chops, which likely helped audiences ease into the idea of
him as an “actor.” He just had to bring a little bit of flair, a couple
of 24-inch pythons, and that majestic mustache of his.
And it worked. Just like that, wrestling stars were suddenly acceptable commodities on the big screen.
6. Jerry “The King” Lawler (Man On The Moon)
Though it’s common for wrestlers to play variations of themselves or
their characters (body-slamming heroes, mute villains, etc.) it’s rare
that one gets to play themselves in an historical context.
Man On The Moon is the story of anti-comedian
Andy Kaufman,
whose biggest publicity stunt came from a supposed feud with Jerry “The
King” Lawler in the early ’80s. In it, Lawler gets physical with
Kaufman (played by Jim Carrey in a role that perfectly suited his
natural buffoonery,) in and out of the ring.
What’s so impressive is that, at the time of this film’s
release, Lawler was fifteen-plus years older than he was at the time of
the actual “feud,” performing near-exact recreations of his fights with
Kaufman, looking as if he’d stepped into a time machine. Even more
impressive? His acting is restrained and understated, which is a
magnificent feat for a guy who’s most famous as an announcer who nearly
hyperventilates whenever a pair of boobs appears anywhere near the ring.
5. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper (They Live)
Opposites: oh, how they attract.
They Live drops “Rowdy” Roddy Piper smack dab in the middle of a bleak (and thoroughly absurd) dystopia, chalk full of ugly
aliens,
government mind control, and magical sunglasses. This sci-fi cult
classic, with its gritty aesthetic, couldn’t have been further from the
colorfully bedazzled realm of the World Wrestling Federation during its
’80s heyday. Then again, Piper’s messy wrestling style, and in-your-face
persona, always seemed to clash with the feather boas and rainbow pants
of his in-ring opponents anyhow, so maybe that overall grimness is what
helped Piper excel in the role.
Yes, it’s a ridiculous premise. And yes, Piper’s performance is 80% bravado and 20% slurred speech, but
They Live also
features a five-minute, knockdown drag-out brawl that looks way more
painful than your typical cage match. One could easily see a condensed
version of this turned into a story arc for
Monday Night Raw.
4. George “The Animal” Steele (Ed Wood)
In a strange coincidence (or, more likely, a planned correlation)
George “The Animal” Steele plays Tor Johnson, a real-life pro wrestler
who became a film star, when director Ed Wood cast him in a couple of
his Z-grade horror movies. So, to get this straight: a hairy-backed,
borderline insane, bald wrestler gets his big screen break in a movie
about Ed Wood, playing a hairy-backed, borderline insane, bald wrestler
who got his big screen break in a movie directed by Ed Wood. It feels
like something Alanis Morissette might have written in her first draft
of ”
Ironic.”
If you haven’t seen this movie yet, you’re missing out on a weird and
wild ride … which is to say, you’re missing out on a Johnny Depp movie.
A Johnny Depp movie with George “The Animal” Steele? If you haven’t
seen this yet,
why?
3. Jesse “The Body” Ventura (Predator)
If someone were to draw up a Venn Diagram with circles
labeled ”Critically-Acclaimed Movies,” “Action Movies,” and
“Professional Wrestling,” there would be only the tiniest sliver of
overlap. And that, my friends, is exactly where Jesse “The Body”
Ventura’s role as a minigun-wielding special force operative, sent into
the jungle to kill a dread-locked, oft-invisible alien hunter, falls
into. Playing alongside another future governor (
Arnold Schwarzenegger,) Ventura completely sells himself as the tobacco-spitting, manhood-checking, self-proclaimed “sexual Tyrannosaurus,” Blain.
The original
Predator is not only the best action movie to
be set in the jungle, it also broke new territory with an
Us-Versus-It template that hadn’t been seen before, in that type of
context. Usually it was just the main protagonist going it solo, but
here we saw a whole bunch of muscle-bound badasses spilling testosterone
all over the screen. And sure, Arnie might have gotten top billing, but
it was Ventura who got the most quotable line in the whole movie: “I
ain’t got time to bleed.” Enough said.
2. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (The Rundown)
In the time since
“The Rock”
left the world of sports-entertainment and dropped his in-ring moniker,
he’s turned himself into a marketable action star who can also get away
with doing more friendly fare (see:
The Tooth Fairy. Except … don’t actually go see
The Tooth Fairy.)
Made during his slightly-awkward transition from The People’s Champion to The People’s Thespian,
The Rundown
is one of his first attempts at a buddy action movie, pairing up
with Sean William Scott (or “Stifler,” if you don’t get out much.)
Johnson more than holds his own, even while sharing the screen with the
incomparable Christopher Walken, a man who chews scenery for breakfast
and probably does wacky monologues in his sleep.
Showing off some of his signature bravado, while playing a
surprisingly low-key straight man to the kookiness going on all around
him, Johnson proved that he was much better than his first box office
disaster,
The Scorpion King, allowed him to be. The simple fact
that he could restrain himself from falling back on his
jabroni-beating, eyebrow-raising, elbow-dropping alter ego should’ve
extinguished any doubts that The Rock had officially risen above his
status as a mere Most Electrifying Man In Sports Entertainment.
1. Andre the Giant (The Princess Bride)
In a movie that featured Cary Elwes (before he started overacting in
horror movies), Mandy Patinkin (before he mumbled his way through
Homeland,)
Billy Crystal in his prime, Robin Wright, Christopher Guest, Fred
Savage, and friggin’ Peter Falk, there’s one guy who somehow managed to
steal the show: Andre the Giant.
The entire movie is endlessly quotable, but the 7’4″ behemoth
literally stood head and shoulders above his cast mates in every scene
he was in, perfectly capturing the disparity between his teddy-bear-like
aura, and the horrific amount of pain he could inflict upon someone if
he had to (or simply felt like it.)
Andre rarely got the chance to do more than toss people around when he was wearing his singlet but, in
The Princess Bride,
he let the world see the sweeter and funnier side of him. It’s a side
that would have done him just fine in the movie biz, if his life hadn’t
been cut short by complications due to
acromegaly,
a disease caused by an abundance of growth hormones, which gave him his
immense stature in the first place. Andre, a truly gentle giant, gave a
performance that will forever be considered iconic.
